Crazy Boxer was founded approximately 13.8 billion years ago, when, shortly after the Big Bang, Crazytonium merged with Unoboxeranium to forge the very first pair of Crazy Boxers… hydrogen would be formed mere nanoseconds later.
Fast forward a few billion years, and travel a few trillion light years across the cosmos, and early cavemen would discover Crazy boxers in the meteor remnants from the heavy bombardment period. Initially attracted by Crazy Boxer’s bright, colorful patterns, the cavemen would use Crazy Boxers to attract mates, as well as for the most popular game of the era, in which one caveman would mount a triceratops while another caveman, wearing Crazy Boxers, would shake his rear end at the triceratops, the infuriated triceratops would attempt to buck the riding caveman off… millions of years later this would evolve into a sport known as ‘the rodeo,’ and would be particularly popular in a place called Texas.
Most people are aware that the ancient Egyptians built great pyramids to house their fallen pharaohs, with the exception of Ben Carson who still believes they were grain silos of course, but what many people do not know is that pharaohs always wanted to be mummified in their favorite Crazy Boxers. The claim is open for debate amongst scholars.
In 480 B.C, the Spartans of Greece waged war with the Persian empire at the hot gates of Thermopylae, each and every Spartan may, or may not have, worn their favorite Crazy Boxers into battle.
On March 23, 1775 Patrick Henry famously stated “Give me liberty or give me death… but make sure to give me Crazy Boxers.” The last portion was likely excluded from most historical records due to his exceeding time limitations on his speech by 2 seconds.
On May 30, 1806 a man, Charles Dickinson, made a mocking gesture of Andrew Jackson’s favorite pair of Crazy Boxers… the rest is history.
From March 1815 through July of the same year, Napoleon Bonaparte would wear the same pair of Crazy Boxers for 100 straight days in an era that would be called ‘The Hundred days of Crazy Boxer,’ many historians have since shortened it to ‘The Hundred Days,’ I guess they found it catchier that way.
Now in 2018, Crazy Boxers have become widely available and, although some historians dispute some (or all) of the facts surrounding their history, an integral part of American culture and will likely be a staple in the fashion of American youth for billions of years to come.